2007, I just hope it works out. Who would've thought after someone had stolen my dog I would still have feelings for my PMR results? I thought I wouldn't, but amazingly I did. I promised myself not to go early so that I won't be built up with tension or suspense. Even that plan failed. I slept at 4am and woke up at 9am. Unfortunately, my mind would not allow itself to rest. So I go to get my results and my teacher tells me I did badly. How much I dreaded that moment and hoped that something would take me away from that place and bring me to some paradise island where PMR never existed. 

      I got my results. Total; 5A's, 2B's. History and Bahasa. Fine, if I got B for History I saw that coming but Bahasa Melayu. Already my dog got stolen who would've thought something more could possibly happen to me just for me to feel more miserable. I worked so freaking, bloody ass hard for that paper. It was the paper I worked hardest for. I took tution. I had a freaking scrap book, where every week I'd take 2 newspaper cuttings, stick them inside and summarize them. I did all those amount of karangans and what not. God knows I worked so bloody hard for that paper, but no, of course I'm not worthy of an A. Not one more anyway. Pisses me off that I wasted all that time to get a B. I might as well have done something else. I feel so degraded. 

      What sucks most is the feeling when all your friends have done so bloody brilliantly, and you feel like the stupid idiot amongst them. Who cares if they dont think so, you still feel it. 

      Doesn't it feel great to know that you're not good at anything? Joy. I'm not smart. I can't play sports. I'm a loser. I can't wait to see the look of my teachers, and other mentors faces once they ask me how many A's I've got after someone else probably answered 7 or 6. One of my coaches who I seriously feel is out to get me already embarrassed me enough as though she had nothing else possiby to do. Let's picture situation #1 out of the approximately 50 situations there are shall we? From the back of the class, how many A's did you get? 7, 7, 7, 6, 6, 7, 6, 7, 7, 6, 6, 6, 7, 7, 6, 7, 6 7, 5....  After which you'll hear the sound of "Oooooohhhhhhh's" echoing in the classroom. I wish people wouldn't label, judge or define people with how many A's you've got. Unfortunately, in my life the idea of that kind of world is inconceivable. I just hope the teachers in school will save me the embarrassment and the lectures. Lord knows after this I know what I have to do.


sarah.

      Moustache, my beloved shih tzu, I keep him so close to my heart and there'll always be a place for him in my heart. He's my bundle of joy. Less of a pet, more like family. I smile whenever I see his face. I'm always happy to see him. He can turn a frown upside down with the little things he does. I can say plenty about this belove d dog of mine. I've had him for the past 4, almost 5 years. He's only 4 years old. The cutest dog ever. Whenever I thought about when his time would come, I could never imagine how I would live my life. It's the little things that make your life worthwhile, and he's worth a tremendous amount of little things. Now I'll have to live my life without him and already I'm strugggling. Whenever I think about him, tears well up eventhough I have to be as optimistic as possible and have a large amount of faith that I'll get him back. If I don't have faith I'll have to face the consenquences of never seeing him again. 

      What frustrates me is that I left for Bali on the 14th and came back o n the 17th, and then on the 18th I went for a netball camp. Only on the 21st I got back from camp and I couldn't spend much time with him. I didnt have enough time to spend with him or for him to spend with me. On the 22nd I was busy making cookies and I couldn't spend time with him. I was all over the place, so was the rest of my family. 22nd December 2006, the day my beloved puppy went missing. Worse still, At 9pm only did we realize that he was missing. Yet, the truth was he was missing since 4 hours before we realised it. When I was baking and my mom was cooking he was hanging around in and out of the kitchen. Yesterday, we realised one of the residences had to have him because we thought we lost him only two hours before we realised. After searching the residence with no dog to be found, I made pamflets to be passed around. This morning, we gave as many as we could, Hours later no dog to be found. Around 4/5pm yesterday the postman came by and Sharad had to sign something. We forgot to close the gate and it was left open for about 20 minutes, after which we closed. Today, we asked the post man when he came by if he saw our small, white fluffy dog. He saw him running around outside. He was playing with a big dog and they were chasing each other. The gate was closed and after that he was waiting in front of our house waiting to come home. What hurts the most is that our little puppy was waiting to come home, and everytime I think about it I end up in tears.That's what the postman saw. 

      The postman also saw a lorry at the house opposite ours which is in construction. The only possible theory is that our beloved dog got stolen. Contracters, stole hime. And now, he's probably going to be sold. What hurts even more is that I'll never know what will happen to him. I'll always wonder if he's being treated right, if he's getting all the love he needs and deserves, whether he's getting a good family like ours, whether he's able to sleep properly at night, and I just wish my little puppy will find a way back home, where he belongs. The truth is, the reason why he's lost was because I was too busy making cookies for Christmas. This year, was the first year my mum asked me to bake cookies. After this, I'll never bring myself to make cookies or have anything to do with cookies because I believe if I was doing something else my puppy will be right here right now because I wouldn't be so busy worrying about cookies and I probably would have noticed he was gone and would've gone to get him.

       Besides that, my Christmas will never be the same unless he comes back to us. Now, whenever Christmas comes around I'll think of my family I've lost. Christmas was the time I would wait every year to come around. Christmas was the only thing I truly celebrated. And Christmas was not just a holiday for me, I celebrated the person behind the reason of the season. The reason for Christmas has been forgotten amongst people and every year I knew whenever I celebrated it I knew the true meaning of Christmas and that I was truly celebrating it for what it is. It was my favourite time of the year. Until my pup comes home, I have nothing to left to celebrate.

sarah.

      Seriously, I don't know what the hell has gotten into me. I've been watching One Tree Hill lately. It goes like this; I have never cried in any love or sad movie, telivision show, etc. ever. I have cried in one movie, which is Passion Of The Christ but that's because the gorry-ness and brutality was too much for me to handle. I've been basically been labelled heartless d: when it comes to movies i suppose, but for a few times now I've cried in some episodes of One Tree Hill. BEWARE; SPOILERS. So, for those who want to read you may highlight. :D 

       I cried when Nathan saw the flashbacks when he was racing and he crashed, I cried when Haley told Lucas that she wasn't coming back but Lucas said she'll always be his best friend. Lastly, (so far) I cried when Dan shot Keith. It's worse because Keith was getting married! BOO! T-T By the way, after I saw what Dan did I was awestruck and my mouth was open for quite a while. I seriously, did not see that coming. I thought the Jimmy dude was going to kill him. Well, that's also because Su Yin accidentally told me Keith died before I watched it and I did go frantic for a while because I wanted to watch for myself. Anyway, if I didn't know Keith was going to die, I wouldn't have even thought of it and I think I would've cried a lot more.

       Su Yin suggests that the holidays have made me emo. (For those of you who don't know - emotional) Lord knows what has come over me. *pff*

      I tried using Xanga. It's a real bitch, so I gave it up. It's not worth it. Besides, I'm fine with my blog here. I will be changing it again though. Boo. I want a completely new blog. I can't stand reading all those entries I've written since a year ago. I ask myself what were you thinking? every single time I read them even though I deleted most of the humiliating ones. Oh, well. 

      All I want, all I need is one. I was blessed with two, but neither want nor need me anymore. At least, it seems that way. They've painted me a beautiful picture without me, and all I can do is watch them paint since they've shown me i am nothing. Or, am I wrong? How can they expect to think otherwise? They have others. I don't. I wish I did so that I won't be hurting now. They are all I had, but they have shown me that they can do without me. If they can, I have nothing left to do but leave them alone because I now know I'm not wanted or needed. Just because, they have plan B and I don't makes me wonder why I didnt. I believed they were all I needed, but when they both fail you at the same time every time you need them, what are you supposed to do? They had back up, I don't. It's killing me. I have to engulf in material because I have nobody. I maybe am being unfair, can I help it? Then I will make the mistake in believing what I've seen because I have nothing else to believe. In the end, I will always give them the benefit of the doubt, even if there is more doubt that meets the eye. All because, I care too much.

      I have about a million goals. The reasons of all reasons for those goals is to prove to the people who mean the world to me that I can do anything I put my mind to and not to recognize me for my flaws but what I am capable of and for my achievements. What happens when you lose the people who mean the world to you along the journey? Have I lost my reason for why I am where I am? What do you do? Do you stop? or do you carry on aimlessly not knowing why you are there, when you are pretty much lost?

      Just because I believe that nobody isn't given something they can't handle, I carry on and remain strong, hoping that everything will go back to normal and believing that there's more than my reason(s) why I am where I am.